if nothing else i am a good friend.

As I was waking up this morning I realized that I couldn't go to the auditions for the NYMF (New York Musical Theatre Festival) shows. I was way too tiered. I have this red hurting eye, and I really cannot take anything else onto my plate right now.

I am becoming full, starting to lack room for additives or additions. I don't have room for fillers or artificial.

I think that this whole transformation is not just nutritional and phsyical, it is emotional and involves relationships to myself and the outside world.

I have been thinking about the way that I enage with people. I give and give until there is none left for me. And many of my "friends" take and take and reciporicate enough to fuel my giving and giving. In **romanic** situations I often time never set boundaries and don't take care of my own needs, then get angry at the other person for being inconsiderate. They didn't do anything wrong necessarily, except lack the psychic ability to read my mind and excel at compassion and generosity. I wanted them to be an over giver too. Whew.

I cannot spend time asking people to meet my basic needs in a friend/lover relationship. These are un-compromisable. So I am going to find a new word for my closest circle. I have a lot of friends but only a few people in my tribe.

I am not saying NO: to filler friends, unhealthy food, over-giving...I am saying YES to my life being a radically loving person. When I take care of myself I don't have time for the rest. However right now it seems like there is a lot of break away people and situations. I feel like a little caterpillar who is going through some major growing pains building my cacoon.

SUPER GIRL

I am no longer going to document every daily bite. But I will write about new things or old things that have new sensations. I did eat two chocolate bars over the weekend and one steak. One chocolate bar was a Gary Null and it kept coming up in the back of my mouth. One was yesterday in departing and it was Dove and I washed it down with a Sprite. All I can say is that it made me feel horrible! The steak on the other hand was delightful, and I even took a bite of Andrea's stake rare and it was yummy. Eww. I know I am grossing myself out.

My eye is doing something really weird it is all red and has a pressure ouchy feeling. My kitty scratched it by accident a few days ago, also I had that sugar overload yesterday. I have been feeling low all weekend and I think it may be in association with my measles Two shot which I had administered on Friday at Brooklyn College. I get free health care at the health center with my $10 student fee! That is very exciting. I have an apt with Planned Parenthood tomorrow for an exam and HIV test. Hopefully everything will be okay.

Meredith and I met on Friday evening and she gave me THE ALCHEMIST which I read in one day. It talks about living your personal legend, and how many times we self sabotage for fear that we don't deserve to live out our dreams.

One of my challenges for the next two weeks is to exercise more (at least 3 times per week). Yesterday in yoga 2/3 with April, we were asked to dedicate our practice to something. At first I thought: myself, my health, my body. Then I realized that I am dedicating my practice to the world, for as I begin to nurture and care for myself I am better able to love. Thus I am more productive in the world.

Another challenge is to eat greens everyday. In pursuit of this challenge I bought this amazing pot that has four pieces to it. The first is a glass lid, the second is a porous Veggie steamer, the third is a porous pasta cooker, the fifth is the huge ass pot that sits on my stove and says..."eat your veggies eat your veggies."

So far I have eaten kale, swiss chard (cooked with garlic and onions) , zucchini, green beans, and everything has been good so far.

Something I am learning is that as I prepare meals for myself I am starting to crave new tastes in the meals. I will be eating and thinking this is good, but wouldn't it be better next time if it had.....blank.

In my delicious tofu scramble with zucchini onions and garlic I craved mushrooms.
In my cous cous with sesasme seeds and baked tofu I craved sliced almonds.

I wonder if it is my body asking for more nutrients?

this boy i like

Last October I had one magical whirlwind weekend...the weekend of October 29-31 I met and inspired all the people that I have dated in the past 10 months.

It had something to do with the allure of my Super Girl Costume, which wasn't really a Super Girl Costume at all because she is a blonde and I had a big black wig that was more like Wonder Woman. But my little sister had fashioned me a really hot ripped up Super Girl tee shirt so I decided that I was Wonder Girl (who appeared in 2 episodes of Wonder Woman).

Being a bar tender at Vintage I am sure didn't hurt either.

Saturday Night:

As I was walking to my place on the way to magically transform into Super Girl on Saturday Night I passed my neighbor Jonathan (the musician) who I had served as my first customer at Vintage and had run into a few times around the hood.

Me: "What are you upto?"
Him: "I have had a rought day."
Me: "Wanna come over and drink Pimms Cup and Pumkin Ale and watch me transform into SuperGirl?"
Him: "Okay."
Me: "Wait, my house is a mess, lemme go home and hide my dirty underwear...gimme a headstart."
A few minutes later he showed up, we drank and I put on my wig, ripped shirt, skirt, boots, and power bracelets, and he began walking me to the subway leading to Michael's house. On our way we passed the first subway and decided to keep walking to be together longer. There was this stunning man dressed in a full out Super Man costume getting into a cab...I yelled to him...."Super Man!" but he couldn't stop and didn't notice that I was Wonder Girl. I shrugged.
"He is probably gay." Jonathan offered.
"YEAH. If he doesn't want me he is GAY." I proclaimed.
Who dresses as Superman anyway, Spandex is soo gay. I thought.

I noticed my cell phone was running out of battery, I hecticly sent a text message to my friends letting them know Michael's address and crossing my fingers that they could find it in DUMBO with out a follow up call.

Later on that night dancing crazy at the Art Party with Emily May by the Igloo, I saw A guy in a suit ripped open exposing his Super Man Shirt...."Super Man!" I yelled, and grabbed for him, stealing the glowing kryptonite from his hand and pushing it into my bra We started dancing and kissing and a struggle for the kryptonite that lasted for a few hours.
"What is your name Super Girl?" He implored.
"I cannot tell you Super Man." I stated coyishly.
"Come with me," he grabbed my hand to try to lead me away from the crowd.
Knowing my cell phone was dead and there would be no way to contact my friends I declined.
"I cannot go with you Super Man!"
Later getting into a cab he had followed us out and yelled:
"Can I have your phone number SuperGirl?"
Emily held my mouth and spouted off my phone number.
I started recieving devilishly intriguing and funny text messages directly afterwards, which a few days later (with a charged cell battery) I began recieving/responding to and that lasted until Superman moved back to Austrailia.

Monday, which was really Halloween I put back on my SuperGirl costume and headed to work begrungingly at Vintage. This is dumb, I have to bartend on Halloweeen I thought. Then this really quiet respectful guy who drank really good beer came in. He was understated, had really messy curly hair and seemed very kind and good natured. His name was John, and he was the only person who came in that night that I didn't know well.
"Why do you have a Super Man Shirt on if you are Wonder Woman?" he asked.
"I am Wonder Girl and I slept with Super Man on Saturday night." Which was a lie but funny.
I kept throwing him free beer and introducing him to regulars, and when ever I got busy I would look up and was glad to see him still there. After awhile I asked him if he wanted to get food after I got off at Renessaince Diner accross the way. He agreed and at 2am (me still dressed as Super Girl) we met up for sweet potatoe fries and he told me about how he decided to become a scientist after his dad spoke in his third grade class. We dated steamily for a couple of months and that ended in tragedy.

The next Wednesday Jonathan came into Vintage and we hugged a little too long and a little to closely and the other waitress, Nadia asked how "His girlfriend who played Nala on The Lion King tour was doing." I told him that it was too bad that he had a girlfriend, because I had a little crush on him. He said that he had been really attracted to me. I shrugged and said, "Well, neighbor, life is long...what do you want to drink?"

When I fostered Buddy, the pit bull Jonathan would walk him when I was at the bar, and told me that his favourite parts of his day were spent with him. I agreed that I too loved the dog and that it improved my lifestyle to be out and around the neighborhood. We bonded, as neighbors do, over the occassional drink or dinner...

Then he went to California lost 40 pounds broke up with Nala and my last 10 months were spent with one get back together, 2 break-ups, one I'm just not that into you and one move to Australia...and I am walking down my street yesterday after having to take my fourth cat pee related trip to the laundry mat with my comforter this week---and I ran smack dab into Jonathan who is back living on my street for the summer.

what will it be?

Kitty Issue

So the kitty peed two nights ago and defacated yesterday on my bed. It also likes to kill cockroaches and place them delicately atop my bed as well. At night it has been difficult to sleep because I the kitty wants to sleep acccross my neck (which i sickly enjoy) despite my allergies. Every time it hops up on my bed I fear that it is carrying a roach to put on my hair...so I think (with the help of my aunt, Pam) I have come up with a solution to the problem.

I constructed a really simple comfy bed out of an old blanket and pillow set that I set up in the bath tub. Last night (it broke my heart) but I put kitty to sleep in the bathroom in its new fancy bed. This morning I woke up allergy free and took the comforter from its bed and the fancy pillow and placed it upon my bed. I think this will prevent the peeing on my bed, because if the kitty starts to see it as its bed, it won't pee where it sleeps. To get rid of the roach problem I sprinkled food on top of the blanket which will hopefully show it that this is where it eats too and so it will not want to bring dead things onto its new cozy paradise.

I hope this works! The worst case scenario is that it decides to "mark its territory" which is now atop my bed and it eats the food and then decides to make food out of the roaches by bringing them on the bed.

My Breakfast
Whole Cows Milk Orange Yogurt
Kashi Good Friends
Unsweetened Soy Milk
(All three kind of tasted like Fruit Loops)
Coconut Water

Wednesday

07/18/06

Dinner
mixed rice
black beans
a few blue spicy chips
hot sauce!
.5 Avacado
.25 Beefsteak Tomato

07/19/06

breakfast
raw almond butter
black berry jelly
sprouted seed toast toasted
raisins

snack
coco water
frozen grapes (delicious)

lunch
cous cous
lemon peppered baked tofu

dinner
guacamole
salsa
chips
scallop ceviche
coffee

My Blog was experiencing technical difficulties all weekend

SO we are going to be going backwards

TUESDAY TODAY

Snack
bowl full of Pretzles

Lunch
Couscous
Curry Tofu

Breakfast
Kashi Good Friends
.25 Citrus Smoothie

Dinner
Couscous

Lunch
Peach
.75 Citrus Smoothie

Monday I stayed home sick from work, I did not eat breakfast. Did not feel like consuming anything, but forced myself to drink tons of water and loratadine, Robitussium DM, and NyQuill Caps.

Sunday

Breakfast
Kashi Good Friends

Lunch
Brown Rice
Chick Pea Casserole

Dinner
Cous Cous
Curry Tofu

Saturday

Dinner
Corn Caserole
Peasant Bread
Lox
Capers
Mesulun

2 Gin Martinis
Olive Juice

One Ginger Ale Beer

Lunch
5 Cookies from Amsterdam
.50 Bagel
Cream Cheese

Breakfast
2 Eggs
2 Whole Grain Toast

Friday

Dinner
.5 Veggie Burrito
.5 Grilled Cheese on Whole Grain Toast

Lunch
2.25 Pieces of Cheese Pizza

Breakfast
Kashi Good Friends

07/12 Dinner

Snack:
Diet Coke
Iced Tea
Brocolli
Salsa
2 small cookies
4 pieces of Papaya

Dinner:
Pomagranite Mojito
Shrimp, Pinapple, Mixed Veggies
1 Rum and Diet
.5 Pimms Cup
1 Beer
1 Kinder

Breakfast:
.5 Bagel
Cream Cheese
Jam
Breakfast Potatoes
Omlette with Swiss and Zucchini
OJ

I have the day off from work, because the power if off...it is awesome and I truly cannot believe it~
Have to spend it doing laundry, because my kitty decided to pee and poo on my bed last night. Not very cool. I got taken to the police station for doubling up in the tern style with my sister's Dutch friend. Recieved 2 $60 tickets, which I do not plan to pay.

Before that we went to SEA for Thai, Black Betty for bebidas and dancing to this awesome band then to BarCade for video game championships!

Cervesa Malo

Last night KK and I met up with Geoff and Noah who have been video blogging the World Cup under The Three Kings for Goal.com Kristen and them traded travel stories and it was a lot of fun. It involved alcohol.

Drinking total from last night
2 Stellas
.5 frozen Margarita
1 Louenbrau

Dinner
Chips y Salsa
Veggie BBQ Tofu Burrito in a flour tortilla with Mango
Refried Beans
Rice

Breakfast 07/12
Kashi Good Friends
Un-sweetened Soy Milk
.25 banana
2 Cups of Coffee (I was dying for it today!) + unsweetened soy

Lunch
Quinoa
Edamame
Hummus
Carrots
Baked Tofu
1 Melted Kinder Snack from KK's pocket
(She said to think of it as fondu for your tongue)

When we got home Kristen realized that the purse she stored in my bag was missing. I retraced our steps and the last place we saw it was at MarryAnne's Mexican Restaurant which opens at 5pm today. I had anxiety dreams all last night about where the purse might be. This morning Kristen said it was fun, "Like a scavenger hunt!" As fate would have it I was the last person to touch it, rendering me feeling responsible for it, and it's contents: which included a gift card with 300 Euros on it that her airline gave her for being bumped. She says not to worry about ti but I feel that if we do not find the purse I will be owing her 400 dollars American. Eek. She says that she is not even stressed, and thought that maybe I am hoping that she will get mad at me and feined madness saying, "That was very bad Lauren" and then laughing, again stating that it was all replacable, but mostly she will miss the purse she made from camouflage material. I am worried that deep down she is really paniced, I guess back packing around Europe will really free your mind. I would be pissed.

Last night we got into a discussion about what would happen if technology were to totally crash. I explained how frustrated I was when G-mail didn't work at MAC. I wanted to quit. The features of G-mail that allow you to sort through and save all of your email totally have changed the way I live. If the Internet crashed and my cell phone didn't work I would have relatively no way to contact anyone I know, and very little information about my life. However who ever could crack into my G-mail account would have all kinds of information on me. Like how many times I used the word frisbee, who I email and frequency....oh man it is scary. But regardless I keep putting my life into cyber space and trusting that it will be okay. Just like this...

07/11 continued

Snack:
Bowl of pretzels
Lunch:
Italian Veggies Soup in Tomoato Broth with Artichokes, Tomatoes, Yellow Squash, celery, Shitake Mushrooms, and spices
Naked Juice (Power C Flavour)
A bunch of Dried Mangos (they have sugar added to them)

On my way to lunch I noticed that I was walking on a grate and I could see about two stories below me where my shadow was walking. The grate was so small that it didn't produce shadows. It was very surrealist, as if I was walking on air.

I am so excited to attend the Performance and Interactive Media Arts Program at Brooklyn College. I have so many ideas that necessitate the knowledge I will acquire there. I care a lot about dream states and new technology. The new poster for the movie "The Science of Sleep" looks cool.

I have noticed that since I got the Kitty and since I started eating breakfast I have been a whole lot more thorough with things. I am more apt to fold, or wash something instead of leave it in the sink. I want things to be clean, and I want items that I care about to be well placed and safe. I write better sentences and think about using words that more accurately describe my feelings.

Sunday I had a run in with an old friend and former lover and he was acting very strange and kept making allusions to the idea that he didn't respect me and for about an hour was using hurtful language towards me. Later that evening I was able to have a very self affirming conversation with him, which described my feelings and let him know that this type of behavior was not acceptable to me, and that I could not put myself in situations with him (or any people) who continued to treat me badly. He agreed and apologized. Before this month I don't think I would have even noticed the way he was treating me because I was so desperate for everyone's approval.

I put a personal ad on Craigslist for an Authenic and Available Guy. I got tons of responses and although some of them seem nice, cute, and like make-out-able kayaking partners....I get the impression that I am not truly ready to start anything with a new person. Also it occurs to me that, being a queer person, that I am very unattracted to people who are not also queer, and my add was specifically seeking gents who edge (err?) to the straight side of things. I think in the past my friendships, relationships, and artistic partnerships have been forged with very difficult types of people (who although fiery, sometimes talented, and passionate) lack compassion, generosity of spirit, and an authentic desire to grow with me. I think that it is possible that my relationship to my Father has played a key ingredient to why I may seek approval or conspire with these types of people. I like the very idea that they are controlling and difficult because getting them to do work with me, hang out with me, and ultimately love me, is the ultimate challenge that will finally make me worthy.

I am trying to undo this faulty wiring that attracts me to people that do not encourage my growth and who stifle my spirit and instead I am looking for partners in art and life through the journey of our collaboration inspire each other to our own fullest potentials.

07/10-7/11

Snack:
Ginger Beer
Dinner @ Freds
Guac, Salsa and Chips
Salad with: arugula, Tuna steak medium rare, olives, green beans, potatoes, and yellow and red beefsteak tomoatoes
Dessert: strawberries, 3 mini chocolate kinders (which my sister brought from Germany), and some little baby waffle cookies with carmel (from Amsterdam)

I am allergic to my cat. I got some benadryl, but the problem is that it wants to lay on my face when I sleep while it goes into a transe and kneading my eyeballs.

Breakfast:
Oatmeal
1/4 Bannana
1 Strawberry
1/2 tsp of brown sugar
Unsweetened soy milk
walnuts

I am drinking green tea with a splash of soy very liberally, and not recording how much of it I consume. Probably around 4 glassees a day.

I just used the restroom and I have been gassy, not sure what it is from? Maybe the mixture of stuff in the salad

craving urge

I just started craving chocolate. So I ate a "mellow kiss" a dark chocolate square yummy.
This morning I was craving Hot Chocoalate.

Weird.

G-Snap and Expectations

Before I got G-Snap I was having all these fantastical ideas about how I could train him to pee in my potty. The first day that I broght the kitty into my house it had other ideas about where it should pee. Its make shift litter box did not seem appealing, and instead opted to pee routinely on my bed and around my house. This weekend my life became about the desire to teach my new friend how to use it's potty. After a little guidance and prayer, G-Snap is happily using the restoorm. I think this is a really ample analogy for what it must be like to have kids. You think that you will teach them five languages and that you will feed them all organic farm fresh seasonal food and you settle for getting them to read and are extatic that they are healthy. I think that in terms of expectations it is important to be idealistic and optimistic; then it is okay to be realistic. I am so proud that my kitty is using it's litter box, it was a huge accomplishemnt for us. I am not punishing GSnap or myself for not meeting my original expectations, because they had nothing to do with the reality of the situation. They were more about my comfort and irrational desires.

Breakfast/Lunch Day three 07/10/06

Breakfast:
2 Eggs Overeasy
One piece of Sprouted Sesame Food for Life Bread
I can't believe it's not Butter Spray (really gross)
One Morning Star Non-Meat Patty
Sip of Oj
Daily Supplements
3 Wellness Formula

Lunch:

Ginger Beer

Quinua and Edamame

Hummus

Carrots

Baked Tofu

I am feeling particularly high today. I can swear that my nails are stronger and thicker. I stubbed my toe and it is all bloody and gross.

Upon coming into the office I began drinking green tea with original soy milk

I have been trying to remember my dreams. Each night while lying in bed I commit to the intention of remembering my dreams.

Last night I began lucid dreaming. I was at the $4Circus and my I was dancing and swinging my arms around. They were beams of rainbow light and they protruded from my sides in loopdi-loops and fantastic dancing.
Later on I had really vivid dreams about living with my family. We were at an amusement park and my father started irrationally getting angry with me and telling me I shouldn't eat some cookies. I told him I could eat whatever I wanted and it is not like cookies were illegal. He said that he found pot in my jeans, which I swore were Emily's jeans. I got banished to my room and invited a few hours later for dinner. I refused coming to dinner opting instead to hang with my kitty. This was the ultimate insult to them and they were very angy. I was very hungry but decided not to join them for thier meal.

my reply

Dear Meredith,

My life has been really great since I started eating breakfast, I am actually feeling a little high on food this morning! I also got the supplements you suggested: Nordic Omega 3 and The Mega Food Women's Daily. Do I really need to take 3/day as it suggests? I had a friend over Sat night named Amber, who may be emailing you to start a program. While she was in the shower I cooked up some Arame, Kale, Quinoa, and Edamame (like you suggested) baked tofu, and some hummus and carrots for snack. She was impressed and it was delicious. If it has been this good in only two days, I cannot wait to see what happens in 6 months.

xoxo Lauren

Ps:
my kitty is so cute!

letter from Meredith

Dear Lauren, I can't tell you how nice it was to talk with you on Friday. I'm honored that you've decided to work with me and I have a feeling you are no doubt going to teach me a thing or two as well, so I'm doubly eager to begin this processs with you. You are so bright and enthusiastic, you can truly accomplish whatever you put your mind to and I am here to support you in any way I can, please take advantage of me. You can email, text or call me anytime with questions or to share good news and sudden epiphanies. Eat your breakfast! Practice Awareness and Smile Young Grasshopper. Peace,
Meredith

dinner day one and day two

din din consisted of
quinoa
edamame
baked tofu
shoyu seasoned kale
sesame seeds
arame
hummus
carrots

i was totally full but still went to cold stone with amber where i enjoyed a mint cookie chip flavored scoop in a chocolate diffed waffle cone

i shouldn't have done that it made me oober full

i also drank another extra strong ginger beer

The photo shoot went really well! We got some excellent shots, which I will post soon.

This morning i had Kashi good friends with strawberries, bannanas, and unsweetened soy milk
yoga which made me very tierd, the teacher was really strict Iyengar style.

Then nap, and almonds and half an apple with Rachel at the $4 Circus.

Then 1.5 garlic knots and a rainbow icee.

I took my kitty with me today to meet Anya and Kae. They were so cute!

more food/drink

ginger beer
apple

picked up amber in a cab
we are taking holla pics tonight!

Day one of the New Me

So a LOT of my friends undergoing transitioning in various aspects of their lives have kept blogs documenting their progress. This is mine. I met with Meredith, my nutritionist last night at Souen and we decided that I need transformation on the cellular level. My toxitity is bleeding into my life/relationships/work/art.
More on that later.

Today for Breakfast I had:
Organic Rolled Oats
Walnuts
Brown Sugar
OJ
Vanilla Black Tea with Non Sweatened Soy Milk

Went shopping got tons of grains and bulk bin items. As I purused the isles I realized that I had been indeed starving myself. Not in an anorexic way, but I never have food in the house and rarely take the time to treat myself to anything.

$160 later I am stocked up on things to last me through the week and into the millenium. I also got Nordic Omega Three Oil and a Mega Food woman's supplement.

For Lunch I ate:
Strawberries
1/2 Bannana
Vanilla Goats Milk Yogurt

In Yoga toaday with Marlo, we learned how to breathe in a square. 4 counts in, 4 counts hold, 4 counts exhale, 4 counts hold.

I got a kitty named gsnap (ginger snap) yesterday that my friends Nicole and Jane found roaming the streets of Harmlem. We are going to heal together.